The Bedlamite's Greatest Hits: The Pearls Are Swine (No, That's An Insult To Swine)

A lot of people go around, saying things like "humorless PC SJWs can't take a joke" whenever those of us who care about things like racism point out that it isn't funny.

Now, I could write an extensive post detailing exactly why racism isn't funny, going into How Humor Works and the specifics of "punching up" and "punching down" and explaining why one makes you a comedian and the other makes you a bully (at this point the Bedlamite makes a note on a five-foot-long To Do list), but as an empiricist it would be better to provide a counterexample.

And so, I present one of my own jokes from elsewhere, tested in an SJW space and demonstrably SJW-approved!

A bit of context, first.

Michael and Debi Pearl are a pair of Christian conservatives (bordering on reactionaries), associated with a number of fundamentalist and evangelical movements including Quiverfull (known to the American public through the show 19 Kids And Counting). I know them through Libby Anne's blog, where she live-read several of their books: To Train Up A Child, Created to be His Helpmeet, and Created to Need a Helpmeet. In these books, which another commenter compared (unfavorably) to excrement, Michael and Debi describe their preferred way to raise children and Tame Shrews resolve marital disputes: devise rules, the more arbitrary the better; wait for the victim person to break a rule; hit the person with a stick; repeat as necessary.

Those of you who are reading this are probably thinking to yourselves: Bedlamite, that sounds like child and spousal abuse!

Yes. Yes it is. In fact, children have died as a result of the Pearls' teachings.

Now you are probably thinking: But you PC SJWs are supposed to be easily offended! How can you go making jokes about serious topics like that?

Wait for the joke; it's behind a bit more necessary context. Then, if you still don't understand how us "PC" SJWs can make jokes about serious and traumatic subjects, wait for the post about How Humor Works and I'll tell you how to make Holocaust jokes funny.

Back to the necessary context, before I was so rudely interrupted.

The Aristocrats is a common joke that comedians tell one another. The form is simple:

1. A guy walks into a talent agency, and he says "Have I got an act for you!"
2. He then demonstrates or describes the act, usually calling in his family to help.
3. The agent asks what he calls the act, and he responds, usually in a dramatic way, "The Aristocrats!"
4. In some tellings of the joke, the agent asks a question, such as "How much for season tickets?" or "Can you really get [famous performer]?"

Part 2 is almost always the longest part of the joke. It consists of the most vile thing the comedian can imagine. Murder, necrophilia, bodily waste, bestiality, blasphemy, and mocking of famous tragedies such as the Holocaust or 9/11 are common. As you might expect, this kind of joke is one of the reasons why some comedy clubs don't admit kids.

Since you can probably see where this is going, I now present the joke:

[SCENE: Room interior. A PUBLISHER sits at a desk. MICHAEL and DEBI enter.]
PUBLISHER: So, I hear the two of you want to write Christian advice books?
MICHAEL: Yeah. Underserved market and all that.
DEBI: Got to strike a blow for God in this fallen world.
PUBLISHER: Anything in particular?
MICHAEL: Well, I was thinking I'd start with a child-rearing book.
DEBI: And if that's a success, I'd write a marriage advice book.
PUBLISHER: Okay, that sounds good.
MICHAEL: So many unhappy children. They need to be beaten until they're happy!
PUBLISHER: (jaw drops, stunned silence)
DEBI: And so many couples just don't get along. You know the answer? Wifely obedience!
MICHAEL: Right. She's so much happier since she stopped having any will of her own.
DEBI: And our kids are much happier since we started hitting them with plumbing line.
MICHAEL: Yeah, that's going to be a big thing in my book. Hit your kids for disobedience.
DEBI: Hit them for being unhappy.
MICHAEL: Hit them for speaking when not spoken to.
DEBI: Hit them for not crying when hit.
MICHAEL: Hit them for crying too much when hit.
DEBI: Hit them for breaking rules.
MICHAEL: Oh, but the rules don't have to make sense. Or be ones that the kids have had a chance to learn. In fact, it's better if they're complete nonsense you made up five seconds ago.
DEBI: Yeah. Kids need to respect rules, and they can't learn respect for the rules if the rules aren't completely arbitrary.
MICHAEL: And of course, no one will ever take this too far.
DEBI: Not that we'll define what "too far" is. It's enough to not use the rod in anger.
MICHAEL: Of course, all of this is because all children are born full of sin, and rebel against rightful authority.
DEBI: Which is why their wills need to broken.
MICHAEL: Like I did with yours, honey?
DEBI: Yes, and that's what my book's about.
MICHAEL: She's been so much happier after I beat the shit out of her. Wasn't over anything important either. Just whose turn it was to take out the garbage.
DEBI: My book's about how God wants women to be quiet and submit themselves completely to their husbands.
MICHAEL: Even if it's about sex, and she doesn't want it. Especially then!
DEBI: Right. It's the wife's duty to do absolutely anything the husband wants.
MICHAEL: Aside from treating him like a woman.
DEBI: Right. No gay stuff. Anyway, the wife needs to keep all of her problems bottled up. Otherwise she'll drive him away.
MICHAEL: I was thinking I might write a companion book, where the husband's told that if his wife doesn't say anything, he should assume that everything's fine. Muahaha.
DEBI: Even if the husband's doing illegal things, she should just smile and help him bury the bodies. Unless he's pimping out their minor son.
MICHAEL: Right. No gay stuff.
DEBI: Even if he beats her, and breaks her bones, it's probably because she did something to deserve it. Like asking him to do something, or not being a perfect servant all the time.
MICHAEL: Or frowning. Or not being beautiful enough.
DEBI: Right, and if she really needs something from him, like enough money to buy food fit for human consumption, what she needs to do is submit harder and let God take care of it.
MICHAEL: Or else he'll leave her for a hot young girl, and leave her alone in a duplex.
DEBI: Where she gets tempted into the worst sin possible: gay stuff!
MICHAEL: Oh, and you forgot, it needs to be more focused on the man.
DEBI: Right, right. All women are meant to mold themselves into the shape that fits their man, but there's three types of men. There's the boring kind. There's the flighty kind. And there's the kind who loves you and shows you that he does.
MICHAEL: By beating the shit out of you.
DEBI: And if you're lucky enough to have that kind --
PUBLISHER: Who the hell are you two?!
MICHAEL & DEBI: The Aristocrats!

Banking and the Credit Crunch, Two Cows Version

Okay, since my piece on pickup artistry from an Atheist+ standpoint isn't going anywhere, I figure I'll get this off my chest instead.

Two Cows

The idea of the "Two Cows" metaphor comes from economics. It consists of simplifying a complex system into a simple one, starting with the phrase "You have two cows", in which cows stand for something that produces, milk stands for what is produced, and a number of other metaphors are thrown in as needed. For example:
Capitalism (in theory): You have two cows. Your neighbor has two bulls. You trade a cow for a bull.
Capitalism (in practice): You have two cows. You sell one cow. You try to extract three cows' worth of milk from your remaining cow. You briefly wonder why you have one dead cow, and sell the farm that was able to get three cows worth of milk from one cow. Screw your neighbor; if he deserved any milk, he'd have something to trade for it.
Communism (in theory): You have two cows. Your neighbor has two bulls. Your neighbor lets anyone who wants borrow xir bulls. You give all of the milk aside from what you need to anyone who needs it.
Communism (in practice): You have two cows.  You give all of the milk to the government, and get back slightly less than you need. A bull occasionally visits your farm, but you never know when.

This idea has spread to other areas, but aside from giving a few examples of this it isn't relevant to the post:
Objectivism: You have two cows, and a farm that your ancestors stole, but it's okay because the other owners weren't using it as well as you are. Your neighbor mentions that he'd like some milk. You poison one of your cows to make a point, subject your neighbor to a five-hour rant, and take your remaining cow into the mountains.
Judaism: You have two cows. You give some of your milk to your neighbors in exchange for some of their crops. Your neighbors set their crops on fire, blame you, and take one of your cows as reparation. You move someplace else. Your old neighbors tell your new neighbors that you stole one of their cows.

Banking

You have two cows.  You sell milk futures on them to buy a third cow, and hope the third cow shows up before you get thirsty.

The Credit Crunch

You have two cows. The government tells you that you can't take the race of the seller into consideration when buying cows, but refuses to interfere with cow or milk markets otherwise. You sell milk futures on your cows and buy two sick cows. You show people your healthy cows, sell them milk futures on your sick cows, and repeat until you own lots of cows. Word gets out that your cows are sick, and that some of them have died. The cheesemakers can't hire anyone unless they can be certain of getting milk, so lots of people are unemployed. The government looks at the situation. Because you have friends in high places, rather than throwing you in the slammer and seizing your cows, the government raises the tax on carts, buys your dead and sick cows at the price of healthy cows, gives you healthy cows, and tells you "now don't do it again". People look at the situation, and conclude a) that you deserve to own lots of cows, and b) that there not being enough cheese yet is the government's fault for forcing you to buy sick cows.