Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Things I Must Not Do In The RPG

Like a number of groups, my main one has a list of things we are not allowed to do. Unlike most groups, ours has swollen with items from games that only one or a few members were in. For your enjoyment, here it is.
Items marked * I was personally present for. Items marked ** I actually did.
  1. Not allowed to kill the Big Bad in the first round of combat.*
  2. Not allowed to use any plan that involves the words “moon the royal family”.*
  3. Really not allowed to actually pull it off.*
  4. Not allowed to start any religion involving worshiping a large sack of $#!%.
  5. Not allowed to introduce a min-maxed Half-Dragon Monk into the campaign just to see what the GM does.
  6. If my actions cause the GM to abandon the screen, I am not allowed back.
  7. When the game is using Gestalt rules, it is assumed that my character will be built so as not to drop to Dying status more than once per fight.**
  8. Not allowed to cause any incident that is later described with the words “In Soviet Russia, pie eats you!”
  9. Not allowed to play a character with a starting Intelligence or Wisdom more than three points higher than my own.*
  10. Care should also be taken with Charisma higher than I have.*
  11. The Staff-Sling Incident is not to be repeated.*
  12. Even if the dice say that it is.*
  13. Any plan that involves running off without telling the rest of the party is forbidden.*
  14. Especially if it requires a God-Call to fix the consequent problems.*
  15. Not allowed to use a command spell to make someone “answer truthfully” unless I'm prepared for anything he might say.**
  16. Must think twice before infiltrating a group of heavily-armed survivalists in the form of a raccoon.*
  17. Not allowed to do a barrel roll.*
  18. Not allowed to joke about accidentally killing another PC.*
  19. My +1 Strength character is not allowed to use a boulder as an improvised weapon.**
  20. Rolling boulders do more than 1d12 damage.*
  21. Not allowed to try defeating the Game-Master-Player-Character Mary Sue through force of numbers.*
  22. If at any point the GMPC is “So Beautiful, It's A Curse” or compared to the main character of the Twilight novels, the game is over.*
  23. Not allowed to confuse South America with South Africa.*
  24. Especially if I am naming well-known countries.*
  25. Malapropisms should not be used when applying for a permit of any kind.*
  26. Especially not saying “influenza” instead of “influence”.*
  27. Unless the PCs are of evil alignment, we must make some attempt to actually act like heroes.*
  28. Specifically, we are not allowed to do any of the following without suffering alignment shift or a Karma Meter hit: arrange an assassination, defraud the government*, usurp the local ruler*, pillage someone's cultural heritage (outside games where it is expected as part of the premise)*, unleash an undead apocalypse upon the Earth*, or jump another PC.*
  29. Really not allowed to do all of the above in the same game and retain Good alignment or Morality 7*.
  30. Even if none of us have taken the Common Sense merit, we must make some attempt to act like we have.*
  31. I must not make the GM think.**
  32. I especially must not ask about the Mr. Johnson's motives.**
  33. Even if I have three different reasons why my character would do so.**
  34. I am not allowed to say “That's what she said” more than five times in one session.*
  35. The same is true of “Your Mother”.*
  36. I must always be able to remember my character's name.*
  37. Must stop quoting movies. Specifically, the table is a Python-Free, Spaceballs-Free, Firefly-free, and a Fight-Club-Free Zone.*
  38. On a side note, it is somewhat ironic to quote XKCD when criticizing the quoting of Monty Python.*
  39. If I am having characters speak Mandarin Chinese, it must at least sound like actual Mandarin Chinese.*
  40. The wall does not have an initiative rating.**
  41. I must not mention basic thermodynamics around the cryokinetic.**
  42. I cannot announce that we are being led into a trap without rolling to check.*
  43. Especially when the bard is trying to negotiate the release of hostages.*
  44. It is assumed that by the end of the first session, all of the PCs will be in the same universe.**
  45. I must pick another character name if the GM can't pronounce it.*
  46. If characters from any D20 sourcebook are permitted, I should tell the person who owns the Forgotten Realms books before we start.**
  47. The soundtrack must be played quietly enough that we can hear the GM over it.**
  48. Not allowed to start with an anti-tank weapon.*
  49. When one prison escape attempt fails, I should not attempt another one.*
  50. No character may be both naked and conscious while attacking. Unless they're painted blue.*
  51. No player is allowed to make puns or jokes about flanking*, penetration, acid damage, the lay on hands ability, Bigby's clenched fist*, touch attacks*, mage hand*, wax rubbings*, territorial markings*, any psionic power**, flight maneuvers*, mounts*, tentacle attacks*, roleplay*, or reflex saves.
  52. Even unintentionally**.
  53. I must be specific when designating my targets. Specifically, I must not simply point across the table at another player and say “I attack that one”.*
  54. Before doing something suicidal, I must make sure that the cleric actually has a raising or resurrection spell.*
  55. The head sorcerer's privates cannot be used to unlock a door. The discussion is closed.* (I'm still not sure what he was thinking. Or smoking.)
  56. Must not mess with the obviously-trapped door.*
  57. If the GM asks how well I like my current character, I should just start rerolling.*
  58. We should try to avoid having more than one jailbreak per storyline.*
  59. I an not allowed to make the gm cry more than once per gaming session if I do so I understand that either myself or my character will be penalized.*
  60. Anything that makes the GM face palm or cry for more than a minute is vetoed.*
  61. We are not allowed to use Portal logic in D&D.*
  62. We are not allowed to run games when hungry or under the influence of any recreational substance.*
  63. Can no longer sing yellow submarine.
  64. When the GMs dice love the group things are going to hell.
  65. No Chuck Norris Jokes.*
  66. No starting character may have a dice pool of 3 times what the player can roll.*
  67. When an NPC rewinds time so that the party doesn't remember the past hour, I must tell the party.*
  68. Cannot accuse the GM of ripping off an anime he's never seen. Even if he may as well be calling the MacGuffin Δ67.**
  69. Cannot antagonize the Mr. Johnson, no matter how my character got involved in the story.**
  70. Cannot discuss the interaction of general relativity and magic unless we're playing Ascension. Or Genius.**
  71. Even if falls in this system are instantaneous, that does not mean I can break the lightspeed barrier. Regardless of what lim x->0- 1/x is.**
  72. Even if it's the precise definition given in the rulebook, cannot define “ally” in a way that makes the game literally unplayable.*
  73. When we have an assignment, there are better uses for the shadowrunning team's skills than raiding a neighbor's fridge. No matter what the neighbor has in there.*
  74. Cannot hand out Chaos Mutations like candy unless someone in the party worships a Chaos God.*
  75. If it's D&D, Chaos is an alignment. In Warhammer, Chaos is the enemy.*
  76. My sorcerer must know at least one spell involving fire.**
  77. Halflings are otherwise not permitted any kind of fire-based item, special attack, or other effect.*
  78. Cannot tell the rogue how to make a muzzle-loading musket with blastpatch.**
  79. Anything included as part of the Tomb of Horrors will not be used to bypass the same trap.*
  80. All MacGuffins and Plot Coupons are by default indestructible. This means that I cannot bypass the plot by chucking a candle required for a ritual into a wall of flame.**
  81. Even if my character has Addiction: God-Awful Fiction, they do not make books on tape of The Eye Of Argon.**
  82. There are better ways to test a suspected vampire serum than “strap the mundane to a table and inject her with it”.* (This one was done to me... all I can say is that it's a good thing none of us had triggers)
  83. I am not allowed to point out a plot hole by quoting from Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality.**
  84. I am not allowed to short-circuit the plot by using basic understanding of genre conventions. At least not until “Troper” becomes an actual Merit.**
  85. I cannot exorcise a ghost with a Ouija board and a mallet.** (Strictly speaking, I was also using the ghost's Anchors, but...)
  86. Not allowed to mention what the GM ruled last round when disputing a ruling this round.**
  87. I must not mention vector math in Fourth Edition. Fourth Edition is not a vector space.** (Seriously. It isn't. The closest approximation is an x-dimensional hypersphere with a radius of 10/pi feet and a surface cut in a complex x-3-dimensional pattern, where x approaches infinity.)
  88. I am not allowed to blindside the GM with canon material he hasn't read.*(Turns out immortals do not kill vampires on contact and are as subject to possession as psychics.)
  89. Watching one episode of The Boondocks does not allow me to speak street-slang. Especially in 2070.*
  90. The last rule should not be interpreted as meaning that those who have not watched The Boondocks can automatically speak street-slang. Especially in 2070.*
  91. Magic items are not “good eatin'” Especially in 2070.
  92. I will not add running gags to this list. ** (I'm the current Keeper of the List.)
  93. Not allowed to mess with trapped books.
  94. Not allowed to point out that a given setting is economically impossible.*
  95. No plans that depend on the dietary habits of the monster we are trying to kill.*
  96. There is a difference between a storm giant and several people on each other's shoulders in a Huge trenchcoat.*
  97. If Mr. Welch can't do it, I can't either.*
  98. Must not give the GM ideas.**
  99. Can't get a PC killed in a bar fight before the plot starts.*
  100. Dragonborn are not necessarily cannibals.*
  101. No eating bone jelly. No matter what Jell-O is made of.
  102. No Mexican homunculi.
  103. No being alive and dead at the same time.
  104. No screwing zombies.
  105. Just because I can understand complicated plots involving time travel does not mean my character can.**
  106. I will not bring up dice rolls in conjunction with sex if anyone who's read The Worst RPG Of All Time is within earshot.* (Seriously, dudes. Not Cool.)
  107. I will not mention real-world politics.*
  108. Must get new material if we insist on making Eye of Argon jokes. The priests/acolytes/shamen (sic) surrounding the altar of granite/marble/obsidian/stone masonry is getting old.**
  109. Not allowed to re-enact the March of the Ents.*
  110. Not allowed to re-enact the backstory of Exalted in D&D. Even if Minecraft would keep Asmodeus busy for a few millennia.*
  111. When the GM says “Do you really do X?”, I will reconsider actually doing X.*
  112. I will not try to solve a puzzle through creative use of murder.*
  113. Puzzles involving sacrifices are not considered a creative use of murder.*(We had one of those once. Did it completely wrong.)
  114. Nothing in the campaign is really halflings standing on one another's shoulders.*
  115. We must always remember that the head used for thinking is the one that contains the brain.*
  116. I must not quote another character if I cannot do so without giggling.**(And on that note, we should avoid putting our characters in a situation where they will have to sign a contract.)
  117. Dante did not write Inferno in D&D.**
  118. Cannot sing a song if I do not actually know the lyrics. Even if the Beatles did it once.**
  119. Not allowed to make jokes about Catholic priests and small children.*
  120. I am not allowed to rules-hammer someone with this list.*
  121. No character may start with a +5 item.* (I don't know WHAT I was thinking letting him get away with that. Next time I'm asking for char sheets ahead of time, and if it's not on the sheet you don't have it.)
  122. Resources 0 characters are not allowed more than one bonus granting item at creation.*(Or that.)
  123. I cannot start with a fire hose, flamethrower, or rocket launcher, even if they don't cost anything.*
  124. Holy water is not radioactive, saints are not mutants, and God is not the atom bomb.* (And again, I don't know what he's smoking.)
  125. Not allowed to make a rocket-powered boat. Especially if I don't have the materials to build a rocket.*
  126. The stars will not help you, unless you are a cultist and they are right.*
  127. Nothing in the game has a handlebar mustache.*
  128. Even if the method given in the module for destroying the Artifact of Doom makes no scientific sense and goes against common sense, I am not allowed to dissolve it in cleaning chemicals.*
  129. I am never again allowed to carry a lockpick into a module. If I do, I am not allowed to use it to sequence break.**
  130. Shadowrun is obviously similar to Shadowrun. *
  131. Even if the GM lets me have a pet weasel as a lifestyle quirk, I cannot get it cybered out, teach it how to use my equipment, and use it as an extra hand.*
  132. Even if the substance involved is technically a drug, using a drug gland to produce thermobaric explosives is abusing the implant's rules.*
  133. If I use my mouth to get myself onto a boat, I may only do so by having things exit it.
  134. If it's a cyberpunk setting, nothing in the rules says that rocketry and the internal combustion engine are impossible.**
  135. Unless it is immediately relevant, we do not mention the “Aztlan Incident”.**
  136. No Laughing Man references.*
  137. I am not allowed to reference game mechanics in character.*
  138. The GM is not an artist. We get it already.*
  139. When doing a trap check, I will not ask the GM if I can ever play poker with him.*
  140. I will only say “it seemed like a good idea at the time” if I tried something in the game.*
  141. I will not underestimate the potential stupidity of any player who seems to be making sense.** (Same guy. I am not playing in a game he's running until he's passed a drug test, as per rule 62)
  142. There is no such thing as a silenced melee weapon.*
  143. No one in the group is Kamina.*
  144. Must stop making jokes about eating potato chips.*

No comments:

Post a Comment

pleasebecivil
civilitymakesthingseasier
pleesebecivil
civiltymakesthingseasier
pleasebecivilized
civilitymakesthingseesier