Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Internet Lunatic Drinking Game

The following material is flagged Red Level. It deals with the blogger's original ideas, personal beliefs, and delusions; and might not be believed by any expert in any field anywhere.

There's quite a few loons out there on the Internet. Here's something to have some fun next time you argue with one!
(Calibrated using those old favorites: AMERICAPHILE MINISTRIES, David Mabus, 1prophetspeaks, Jack T. Chick, and of course, Gene Ray. Also used are various politicians and pundits and the people from whom PZ Myers gets email.)
If drinking isn't your thing, pick 24 of these at random and make a bingo board out of them.

(As standard for drinking games, adjust the doses for what you are drinking. Light and non-alcoholic drinks are mouthful/bottle, heavy liquor is sip/shot.)

(Yes, I know I promised to post a proof of the Devil's Proof. But I did say "unless something more interesting comes up", and I had a reason to post something I had sitting around on my compu... ooh shiny!)

  • Take a drink for each absolutely insane connection the lunatic makes (such as lesbian orgies and hummus protests)
  • Take a drink for each hyperlink that seems to have been dropped for no sane reason whatsoever.
    • Two if the link is to the lunatic's own website/blog.
    • Two if the link is to someone else just as crazy as the lunatic.
      • Three if the "someone else" is actually crazier than the lunatic.
      • Three if you suspect sockpuppetry.
  • Take a drink if the lunatic claims that someone famous agrees with them.
    • Two if the "someone" is also crazy.
    • Add one if a link is posted.
    • Add one if the lunatic claims that they convinced the "someone".
  • Take a drink for each pointless change of color or font.
  • Take a drink for each full line containing creative uses of punctuation.
    • Two for each line composed entirely of nonstandard uses of punctuation.
      • Limit four for each time you need to scroll.
  • Take a drink for each sentence in all caps.
    • Limit to two drinks per paragraph.
  • Take a drink and call out a name for each identifiable fallacy.
    • Two if the lunatic has already been told that it's a fallacy.
      • Three if the lunatic actually accepted that it's a fallacy.
        • Four if the lunatic has called someone else on the same fallacy.
  • Take a drink for each threat.
    • Two for each explicit threat.
      • Three and tell a mod if the lunatic threatens to carry it out personally against you.
    • Add a drink if the threat contains words in all caps (such as the famous undelivered FINISHED promised to Rev. BigDumbChimp).
  • Take a drink and look for black helicopters if the lunatic claims (without proof) that someone is out to get them specifically or is engaged in a cover-up.
    • Add one for each of the following involved in an unproven conspiracy (WARNING: Skip this if you are playing this with Glenn Beck or a Chick tract):
      • Labor
      • Satan
      • Catholics
      • The Gummit
      • Academia
      • Big Pharma
      • Any specific person referred to by an acronym
        • Extra drink if you have to look up the acronym because the context leaves it unclear whether the lunatic is referring to a person or a government agency.
          • Two if the context implied "government agency" until you looked it up.
      • Feminists
        • Extra drink if the opinions ascribed to "feminists" would be absolutely repugnant to the majority of the living feminists whose positions you know without using a search engine or Wikipedia.
          • Two if the opinions ascribed to "feminists" are actually anti-feminist.
          • Extra drink if you used a wiki other than Wikipedia to fill out the list, you cheater.
      • The Gay Agenda
        • Extra drink if "gay" is in quotes for no discernible reason.
      • The Commies
        • Extra drink if the lunatic thinks the Nazis were communists or mentions "communofascism".
        • Extra drink if the lunatic has mentioned being on public assistance.
          • Two extra if the public assistance in question is welfare, Social Security, or Medicare.
      • Muslims
        • Extra drink for each mention of "secular Islamic fundamentalists"
      • Jews
      • Atheists
        • Extra drink for each mention of "Jewish atheists" that is not used to refer to ethnic Jews. This also goes for claims that a known atheist is religiously Jewish, or for that matter any religion.
      • Any religion that the person demonstrates a complete and utter lack of knowledge about (such as claiming that Wiccans worship Wicca or Satan)
        • Double this one up with the others if the religion in question is Catholicism, any branch of Satanism, Islam, Judaism, or Atheism.
      • Racial or ethnic minorities
      • The Bavarian Illuminati
      • The Freemasons
      • Organized Crime
  • Take a drink and flip to a random page of the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (as of last revision, IV) if you can identify a mental illness symptom.
    • Two if the symptom is mentioned on the page you flipped to.
  • Take a drink and whisper "Heil!" for each instance of overt racism (WARNING: Do NOT do this if you are reading Metapedia).
    • Two if it involves an actual slur.
    • Add one if it's crossed with some other form of no-longer-generally-accepted intolerance.
    • Add one if it's prefaced with "I'm not racist, but..." or "Some of my best friends are...".
  • Take a drink and yell "Ave Maria!" (pronounced Ah-way Mah-ree-ah) for each holy book verse.
    • If you're on a religious forum, only drink if you have no idea why the verse in question was posted.
    • Two and go through the entire Hail Mary if the actual text of the verse is left out.
  • Take a drink if you want to post the lunatic's work to Fundies Say the Darndest Things (WARNING: Avoid this section if you are reading Conservapedia or FSTDT itself).
    • Finish the bottle if it belongs on Racists Say the Darndest Things, because anything RSTDT-worthy calls for an attempt at brain bleaching. (Again, avoid this if you're reading Metapedia.)
    • Add a drink if someone else already posted it.
  • Take a drink if the lunatic claims science is on their side.
    • Two if the lunatic admits to not understanding the science in question.
    • Add one if the lunatic is obviously wrong from a lay perspective.
    • Add one if the science in question is quantum physics or involves higher dimensions.
    • Add one if the science actually works precisely the opposite way as the lunatic thinks it does (see: The Secret, like charges attract).
    • Finish the bottle if the lunatic presents actual credentials as an expert in the field and does not seem to be suffering Nobel syndrome.
  • Take a drink if the lunatic repeats themselves for no identifiable reason.
    • Two if the repetitions are on the same page (you don't have to scroll to see at least two).
  • Take a drink if the lunatic does not format their work.
    • Two if the work is formatted, but not according to any identifiable scheme.
      • Three if the formatting leaves more white-space than text.
  • Take a drink for each poorly-drawn diagram.
    • Two if the diagram is the standard paranoid "what-links-to-what" chart.
  • Take a drink if the lunatic uses obvious mental illness symptoms as evidence that they're right (such as hearing the Voice of God).
    • Two if the "evidence" actually vanishes when the lunatic takes some kind of medication.
      • Three if this is cited as evidence of a conspiracy.
  • Take a drink if the lunatic is rude to other people on the forum.
    • Two if the lunatic is rude to people holding side conversations.
    • Add one if "rude" means "reduced to incoherent profanity or childish insults".
      • Two if you were directly involved in reducing them to that state.
  • Take a drink and claim that someone killed your father for each word the lunatic uses without knowing its meaning (examples: quantum, singularity, theory)
    • Two if the lunatic also spells the word incorrectly.
    • Finish the bottle if the lunatic, when challenged, is able to prove that a definition was used consistently and correctly.
  • Take a drink for each mention of "contamination of our precious bodily fluids" or a similar idea.
    • Take a sip for each mention of "chemicals" or "fluoridation" as a bad thing.
  • Take a drink for each case of Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking (Warning: TVTropes) (example: the Kennedy assassination, the Roswell cover-up, and a missing sock in the laundry)
  • Take a drink if you have no idea what the lunatic is trying to say.
    • Two if this is after the lunatic is asked to clarify.
      • Three if the clarification actually made things less clear.
  • Take a drink for each word that the lunatic seems to have made up completely for no reason whatsoever.
    • Two if a Google search for that word has as the top hit the site you just looked at.
      • Three if the lunatic claims they were quoting someone.
    • Add one if the lunatic has never provided any kind of context that might help you find out what it means.
    • Add one if the lunatic throws in a reference to a bizarre delusional language (AMERICAPHILE used Leprechaun).
  • Take a drink for each Standard Talking Point parroted without explanation or clarification (Do not do this if reading a Mallard Fillmore collection. No matter what you are drinking, it will become a dangerous dose).
    • Two if the lunatic names the original source of the Standard Talking Point.
      • Three if the original source has said more than three things lately that resulted in you pointing and laughing.
    • Add one if the lunatic or the original source has a history of scorning articulation, complexity, or nuance.
  • Take a drink and put your Viking helmet on for each mention of "traditional values", "the good old days", or the like.
    • Two and grab a jar of mayo if there is no support for the position beyond "it's traditional" or "it worked in the olden days".
      • Three and don a pair of outsize boots if the position is not traditional or has never actually caused fewer problems than it solved.
  • Take a drink and chant "Vox Populi Vox Dei Est" (Walks Pop-you-lee Walks Day-ee Est) if the lunatic claims the support of the majority.
    • Two if the majority is only of a selective demographic.
      • Three if the majority is of a psychographic chosen to exclude most or all of the people who don't support the lunatic.
    • Add one if the alleged majority in question is invisible and/or silent.
    • Add one if the lunatic is attempting to collect a survey or the like to prove that they do in fact have the support of the majority.
      • Two if the survey is one that you can respond to and you are not part of the demographic/psychographic in question.
      • Add one for each other way you can name without opening a statistics book that the data produced by the survey will be biased or otherwise tainted.
    • Add one for each of the following that apply to a survey the lunatic does cite:
      • Irrelevant.
      • Each year older than five (each month past the first if it's an opinion poll in an election year).
      • Says exactly the opposite of what the lunatic says.
      • Lacks obvious alternative options or clarifications (such as "Oppose Policy X" instead of "Policy X goes too far/not far enough", or "Support/Oppose" instead of "Support/Oppose/Don't Care").
      • Margin of majority or plurality is less than margin of error.
      • No margin of error published.
      • Each way the data are biased or otherwise tainted.
        • Take another drink, cheater. This is mostly a closed-book game.
        • Assume three if the experimental procedure is not publicly available, or if you don't know anything about stats.
    • Add one if the question deals with issues that can not or should not be a function of majority rule, such as objective reality or minority rights.
  • Take a drink for each case of treating something minor (who made a magazine cover, for instance) as Serious Business.
    • Two if you were not previously aware of the rationale given for treating it as Serious Business.
      • Three if no rationale is given for treating it as Serious Business.
  • Take a drink for each mention of the Boogeyman Of The Day (terrorists, socialism, reefer madness, satanic daycare centers, etc.)
    • Two if it's capitalized for no grammatically correct reason.
  • Take a drink for each number containing more than three zeroes without a source.
    • Two if the number is underwhelming when placed in context or when you learn what it actually means.
  • Take a drink each time the lunatic assumes that all of their enemies are allied with one another, despite highly visible evidence to the contrary (Sharia and The Ghey) 
  • Take a drink for each instance of obvious transphobia.
  • Take a drink if the lunatic mentions astrology for no discernible reason whatsoever.
    • Two if it involves a drastic oversimplification of what their star sign means.


    1. Hummus protests? As in... protests about -hummus-? I think that warrants a drink right there. *gulp* So, these hummus protesters... where do they stand on falafel?

    2. It was actually about the company in question supporting Israel against Palestine.