Birtherism, And Why It Makes No Sense

Okay, I am officially fed up with the Birther movement. Seriously, I've filed the paperwork and everything. Okay, maybe I'm not officially fed up, but I will be in 5-7 business days.

The following material is flagged Red Level. It deals with the blogger's original ideas, personal beliefs, and delusions; and might not be believed by any expert in any field anywhere.

For those who live outside the United States, or have been living under rocks for the past... four years or so, there is a set of people called Birthers, who believe that the current President is not a citizen by birth, which is one of the requirements for the Presidency. They are frequently accused of racism, and are called conspiracy theorists. But conspiracies sometimes do happen, so I think I'll explain in detail why it doesn't make sense for this one to.
First, let's look at the general belief of the Birthers. The Birthers believe that the President was born outside the United States, and thus is not a citizen of the U.S. by birth. They postulate that he was smuggled into the country as an infant, and that his citizenship was falsified, so that someone would be able to use him as a puppet.
First, there's the actual smuggling part. This would be the easiest, requiring only transport and control of a hospital.
Second, it is important to keep in mind that at the time this allegedly happened, it was nearly unthinkable that any black individual (which, for those living under rocks with their fingers in their ears, the current President is) could be elected President. Therefore, the omnipresent-in-these-stories nebulous They would need to have triggered the Civil Rights Movement, or known that it was going to happen. This would require that They control a pharmaceutical company, since The Pill is generally considered the thing that set the movement off. And, of course, They would need to have a good enough understanding of society to know that a single medical invention would be able to do all this, but that kind of understanding is generally something that we can spot Them.
But it is important, when one designs a conspiracy, that one leave as little as possible to chance. Maybe the (Second-Wave, for those who care about such things) Women's Movement wouldn't have triggered the Racial Movement. Maybe the Counter-Civil-Rights Movement would have prevailed. Maybe the memes of anti-racism would leave the public consciousness before the smuggled individual would be old enough. Maybe The Pill wouldn't do anything to the public consciousness. So, to ensure that public opinion unfolded in the right direction, and that the movements triggered the right other movements, and that ideas persisted, They would need to maintain long-term control over a wire service, at least one major entertainment company, major dissident figures among the oppressed populations, and a competent spin doctor.
Third, They would need to ensure that Their candidate were still loyal to Them. For this, They would need a master manipulator. After all, how easy is it to control how one person reacts to changes in their environment? How easy is it to ensure that someone will not rebel against the values you teach them?
But again: leave as little as possible to chance. They need to make sure that nothing happens to Their candidate before he is ready. For this, They need an expert medical team and a crack squad of bodyguards. They need to make sure that Their candidate stays electable, which means getting Their candidate a Law degree, which means They need to control two admissions offices. They need to make sure that no one finds out about the conspiracy, which means They need a massive internal security force (something we generally spot any competent conspiracy), or a team to discredit anyone who finds out or turns stool pigeon (don't mind me, I'm counting the money these nice gentlemen gave me. I'm totally not in on it.)
Finally, They need to get Their candidate elected. They need a massive campaign fund for this (again, most conspiracies can claim Offscreen Villain Dark Matter for this) and a reliable way of rigging an election (hacked vote machines, control over every single media outlet, Orbital Space Mind Control Lasers, take your pick).

Now, what if instead of importing someone from outside the country, They just found some random Law student who seemed to have a solid chance, and indoctrinated him? This just needs the master manipulator, the campaign fund, and the way of rigging the election. If something happens to your student, or the indoctrination doesn't take, you just need to find another one. Better yet, you can cut out the manipulator by finding someone who's already sympathetic to your goals.

So, we can see that the Birther conspiracy postulate is far more complex than the Random Law Student conspiracy postulate. There are four reasons for an unnecessarily complex conspiracy:

1. You have no idea what you are doing, or are addicted to unnecessary complexity. Given that we are assuming that whatever conspiracy exists was competent enough to pull off whatever they did, this can be safely disregarded.
2. You don't know what your opponents are doing, and are trying to disrupt whatever it is. This type of conspiracy is generally only the sort of thing used in the short term, hardly the sort of thing you make span even a full three years, let alone nearly half a century. So we can ignore this one.
3. You are attempting some kind of crazy ritual magic, and the complexity is the minimum that you need in order to meet some special requirement. Well... we don't actually know that SEELE wasn't behind this. For all we know, this is some kind of plot by the Kenyan government to assert symbolic superiority so that a spell can convert it into literal supremacy. But, well, prove that there isn't a devil in the woods outside town. 
4. You are creating a distraction from your real plan, or attempting to implicate an enemy in the conspiracy. But even this should be made no more complex than necessary, and the simplest way to create a fake conspiracy is to have someone go on the air claiming to have found it, with a bit of fabricated evidence if necessary.
   
   Come to think of it, given a media outlet (FOX, say), it would be easy enough to create a fake conspiracy. Just start talking about the conspiracy, claiming that you're "just asking questions" while making boldface assertions, and in the eye of your viewers, you can implicate an opponent in your conspiracy.

So why do people believe the Birthers? The tempting response is to just chalk it up to knee-jerk racism directed at a black man in a higher social position (one of these days, I really must do an article on unconscious biases and privilege), or knee-jerk reactionarism directed at someone less far right, but I like to assume good things about people. So I'll just assume that they haven't thought through all the implications of the hypothesis, and all of the things that would be needed for the conspiracy to actually work.

Strange email

I got a strange email. I will repost it here with running commentary. Those who aren't interested in memetics may want to just play the Drinking Game.

[email headers scrubbed]

Mental Feng Shui This is without a doubt one of the nicest good luck forwards I have received .. Hope it works for you -- and me!  A testimonial. Getting people to read the email is essential for the meme to reproduce. Also, as an occasional commenter at Pharyngula, I have to say: how nice of them to put most of it in something that looks like Comic Sans. Lotus Touts: You have 6 minutes  You'll see what this is about later. There's some mighty fine advice in these words, even if you're not superstitious .. This Lotus Touts has been sent to you for good luck from the Anthony Robbins organization . It has been sent around the world ten times so far .   Interestingly, there were only two forwards on the email I got. Far fewer than ten, but it could just be that most of the email services it went through removed multiple forwards from the title. Do not keep this message .  The Lotus Touts must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES . Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise . This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired .   And here's what it was talking about earlier. Notice that if you don't have time to carefully read the email, you can't realize that there might be something wrong. (Also note that it doesn't say when you will get the surprise. That's an old fortune-teller's trick; be vague enough while you're being mysterious, and you can take credit for anything.) ONE .  Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully .  Generally good advice. If you can build a reputation for cheerfully doing good work, people will hear of it. TWO .  Marry a man/woman you love to talk to . As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other .   Again, decent advice. THREE .  Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want .   Stay skeptical and plan for the future. Okay. FOUR .  When you say, 'I love you,' mean it .   Don't have much experience with those three little words, but this sounds okay. FIVE .  When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye .   When you apologize, act like you mean it. Okay. SIX .  Be engaged at least six months before you get married .   Again, don't have much experience in this area, but this sounds good. SEVEN .  Believe in love at first sight .  And here's a problematic one. As anyone who went through a high school romance (or even knows what Romeo and Juliet was really about) can tell you, love at first sight has its share of problems. EIGHT .  Never laugh at anyone's dreams . People who don't have dreams don't have much .   Yes, but dreams aren't much anyway. NINE .  Love deeply and passionately . You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely   Again, not much experience with the L-word, but why is it necessary for completeness? And doesn't it make sense to keep your wits about you? TEN . .  In disagreements, fight fairly . No name calling .   Good advice. Nothing says that you've lost like calling your opponent a Nazi instead of addressing their point. (Unless you were arguing with Stormfront or Metapedia, but those arguments are pretty much unwinnable anyway, and they seem like the types who would take "Nazi" as a compliment.) ELEVEN . Don't judge people by their relatives .  Yes. Nobody can control who they're related to, beyond deciding to not have kids. TWELVE .  Talk slowly but think quickly .   Yes. THIRTEEN! . . .  When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'  Bad idea. That's like following a string of "yes" and "no" with "no comment". FOURTEEN .  Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk .   FIFTEEN .  Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze . Be polite. Okay.   SIXTEEN . .  When you lose, don't lose the lesson .  Learn from defeat. Okay. SEVENTEEN .  Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions .   Okay. EIGHTEEN .  Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship .   Okay. NINETEEN .  When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it .   That, or bury the evidence. But okay. TWENTY . . Smile when picking up the phone . The caller will hear it in your voice .   Sure, why not. TWENTY- ONE .  Spend some time alone .  Yeah, this one's good advice. Now, here's the FUN part!  And here begins the memeplex's infolife equivalent to a set of "fun parts". In other words, the next segment is the part of the memeplex that reproduces it. Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve . 1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly . 5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking . 9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks 15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape ...   And then an empty platitude so that you'll forget it's a chain letter. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart  Do not keep this message And here's the reminder that you shouldn't read it too closely. .           [Signature data erased]

New list: "Whatever the marketing team is smoking, I want some"

I feel I should point out now that I have never done any illegal substance, and currently have no plans to do so. But still, it might be nice to try a few psychoactives just once. Top of the list is whatever the marketing teams were on when they made these ads:

• PETA  in general.
• PETA deciding to throw in animal torture scenes with porn
• The whole "Sub-Lymonal" bit Sprite did.
• The Lunesta ads that didn't even mention what it was for.

More later.

Internet Lunatic Drinking Game

The following material is flagged Red Level. It deals with the blogger's original ideas, personal beliefs, and delusions; and might not be believed by any expert in any field anywhere.

There's quite a few loons out there on the Internet. Here's something to have some fun next time you argue with one!
(Calibrated using those old favorites: AMERICAPHILE MINISTRIES, David Mabus, 1prophetspeaks, Jack T. Chick, and of course, Gene Ray. Also used are various politicians and pundits and the people from whom PZ Myers gets email.)
If drinking isn't your thing, pick 24 of these at random and make a bingo board out of them.


(As standard for drinking games, adjust the doses for what you are drinking. Light and non-alcoholic drinks are mouthful/bottle, heavy liquor is sip/shot.)

(Yes, I know I promised to post a proof of the Devil's Proof. But I did say "unless something more interesting comes up", and I had a reason to post something I had sitting around on my compu... ooh shiny!)

---

• Take a drink for each absolutely insane connection the lunatic makes (such as lesbian orgies and hummus protests)
• Take a drink for each hyperlink that seems to have been dropped for no sane reason whatsoever.
• Two if the link is to the lunatic's own website/blog.
• Two if the link is to someone else just as crazy as the lunatic.
• Three if the "someone else" is actually crazier than the lunatic.
• Three if you suspect sockpuppetry.
• Take a drink if the lunatic claims that someone famous agrees with them.
• Two if the "someone" is also crazy.
• Add one if a link is posted.
• Add one if the lunatic claims that they convinced the "someone".
  
• Take a drink for each pointless change of color or font.
• Take a drink for each full line containing creative uses of punctuation.
• Two for each line composed entirely of nonstandard uses of punctuation.
• Limit four for each time you need to scroll.
  
• Take a drink for each sentence in all caps.
• Limit to two drinks per paragraph.
• Take a drink and call out a name for each identifiable fallacy.
• Two if the lunatic has already been told that it's a fallacy.
• Three if the lunatic actually accepted that it's a fallacy.
• Four if the lunatic has called someone else on the same fallacy.
  
• Take a drink for each threat.
• Two for each explicit threat.
• Three and tell a mod if the lunatic threatens to carry it out personally against you.
  
• Add a drink if the threat contains words in all caps (such as the famous undelivered FINISHED promised to Rev. BigDumbChimp).
• Take a drink and look for black helicopters if the lunatic claims (without proof) that someone is out to get them specifically or is engaged in a cover-up.
• Add one for each of the following involved in an unproven conspiracy (WARNING: Skip this if you are playing this with Glenn Beck or a Chick tract):
• Labor
  
• Satan
• Catholics
• The Gummit
• Academia
• Big Pharma
• Any specific person referred to by an acronym
• Extra drink if you have to look up the acronym because the context leaves it unclear whether the lunatic is referring to a person or a government agency.
• Two if the context implied "government agency" until you looked it up.
  
• Feminists
• Extra drink if the opinions ascribed to "feminists" would be absolutely repugnant to the majority of the living feminists whose positions you know without using a search engine or Wikipedia.
• Two if the opinions ascribed to "feminists" are actually anti-feminist.
• Extra drink if you used a wiki other than Wikipedia to fill out the list, you cheater.
  
• The Gay Agenda
• Extra drink if "gay" is in quotes for no discernible reason.
  
• The Commies
• Extra drink if the lunatic thinks the Nazis were communists or mentions "communofascism".
• Extra drink if the lunatic has mentioned being on public assistance.
• Two extra if the public assistance in question is welfare, Social Security, or Medicare.
  
• Muslims
• Extra drink for each mention of "secular Islamic fundamentalists"
  
• Jews
• Atheists
• Extra drink for each mention of "Jewish atheists" that is not used to refer to ethnic Jews. This also goes for claims that a known atheist is religiously Jewish, or for that matter any religion.
  
• Any religion that the person demonstrates a complete and utter lack of knowledge about (such as claiming that Wiccans worship Wicca or Satan)
• Double this one up with the others if the religion in question is Catholicism, any branch of Satanism, Islam, Judaism, or Atheism.
  
• Racial or ethnic minorities
• The Bavarian Illuminati
• The Freemasons
• Organized Crime
  
• Take a drink and flip to a random page of the latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (as of last revision, IV) if you can identify a mental illness symptom.
• Two if the symptom is mentioned on the page you flipped to.
  
• Take a drink and whisper "Heil!" for each instance of overt racism (WARNING: Do NOT do this if you are reading Metapedia).
• Two if it involves an actual slur.
• Add one if it's crossed with some other form of no-longer-generally-accepted intolerance.
• Add one if it's prefaced with "I'm not racist, but..." or "Some of my best friends are...".
  
• Take a drink and yell "Ave Maria!" (pronounced Ah-way Mah-ree-ah) for each holy book verse.
• If you're on a religious forum, only drink if you have no idea why the verse in question was posted.
• Two and go through the entire Hail Mary if the actual text of the verse is left out.
• Take a drink if you want to post the lunatic's work to Fundies Say the Darndest Things (WARNING: Avoid this section if you are reading Conservapedia or FSTDT itself).
• Finish the bottle if it belongs on Racists Say the Darndest Things, because anything RSTDT-worthy calls for an attempt at brain bleaching. (Again, avoid this if you're reading Metapedia.)
  
• Add a drink if someone else already posted it.
• Take a drink if the lunatic claims science is on their side.
• Two if the lunatic admits to not understanding the science in question.
• Add one if the lunatic is obviously wrong from a lay perspective.
• Add one if the science in question is quantum physics or involves higher dimensions.
  
• Add one if the science actually works precisely the opposite way as the lunatic thinks it does (see: The Secret, like charges attract).
• Finish the bottle if the lunatic presents actual credentials as an expert in the field and does not seem to be suffering Nobel syndrome.
  
• Take a drink if the lunatic repeats themselves for no identifiable reason.
• Two if the repetitions are on the same page (you don't have to scroll to see at least two).
• Take a drink if the lunatic does not format their work.
• Two if the work is formatted, but not according to any identifiable scheme.
• Three if the formatting leaves more white-space than text.
  
• Take a drink for each poorly-drawn diagram.
• Two if the diagram is the standard paranoid "what-links-to-what" chart.
• Take a drink if the lunatic uses obvious mental illness symptoms as evidence that they're right (such as hearing the Voice of God).
• Two if the "evidence" actually vanishes when the lunatic takes some kind of medication.
• Three if this is cited as evidence of a conspiracy.
• Take a drink if the lunatic is rude to other people on the forum.
• Two if the lunatic is rude to people holding side conversations.
• Add one if "rude" means "reduced to incoherent profanity or childish insults".
• Two if you were directly involved in reducing them to that state.
  
• Take a drink and claim that someone killed your father for each word the lunatic uses without knowing its meaning (examples: quantum, singularity, theory)
• Two if the lunatic also spells the word incorrectly.
  
• Finish the bottle if the lunatic, when challenged, is able to prove that a definition was used consistently and correctly.
• Take a drink for each mention of "contamination of our precious bodily fluids" or a similar idea.
• Take a sip for each mention of "chemicals" or "fluoridation" as a bad thing.
  
• Take a drink for each case of Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking (Warning: TVTropes) (example: the Kennedy assassination, the Roswell cover-up, and a missing sock in the laundry)
• Take a drink if you have no idea what the lunatic is trying to say.
• Two if this is after the lunatic is asked to clarify.
• Three if the clarification actually made things less clear.
• Take a drink for each word that the lunatic seems to have made up completely for no reason whatsoever.
• Two if a Google search for that word has as the top hit the site you just looked at.
• Three if the lunatic claims they were quoting someone.
  
• Add one if the lunatic has never provided any kind of context that might help you find out what it means.
• Add one if the lunatic throws in a reference to a bizarre delusional language (AMERICAPHILE used Leprechaun).
• Take a drink for each Standard Talking Point parroted without explanation or clarification (Do not do this if reading a Mallard Fillmore collection. No matter what you are drinking, it will become a dangerous dose).
• Two if the lunatic names the original source of the Standard Talking Point.
• Three if the original source has said more than three things lately that resulted in you pointing and laughing.
• Add one if the lunatic or the original source has a history of scorning articulation, complexity, or nuance.
  
• Take a drink and put your Viking helmet on for each mention of "traditional values", "the good old days", or the like.
• Two and grab a jar of mayo if there is no support for the position beyond "it's traditional" or "it worked in the olden days".
• Three and don a pair of outsize boots if the position is not traditional or has never actually caused fewer problems than it solved.
  
• Take a drink and chant "Vox Populi Vox Dei Est" (Walks Pop-you-lee Walks Day-ee Est) if the lunatic claims the support of the majority.
• Two if the majority is only of a selective demographic.
• Three if the majority is of a psychographic chosen to exclude most or all of the people who don't support the lunatic.
  
• Add one if the alleged majority in question is invisible and/or silent.
• Add one if the lunatic is attempting to collect a survey or the like to prove that they do in fact have the support of the majority.
• Two if the survey is one that you can respond to and you are not part of the demographic/psychographic in question.
• Add one for each other way you can name without opening a statistics book that the data produced by the survey will be biased or otherwise tainted.
• Add one for each of the following that apply to a survey the lunatic does cite:
• Irrelevant.
• Each year older than five (each month past the first if it's an opinion poll in an election year).
  
• Says exactly the opposite of what the lunatic says.
  
• Lacks obvious alternative options or clarifications (such as "Oppose Policy X" instead of "Policy X goes too far/not far enough", or "Support/Oppose" instead of "Support/Oppose/Don't Care").
• Margin of majority or plurality is less than margin of error.
• No margin of error published.
• Each way the data are biased or otherwise tainted.
• Take another drink, cheater. This is mostly a closed-book game.
  
• Assume three if the experimental procedure is not publicly available, or if you don't know anything about stats.
  
• Add one if the question deals with issues that can not or should not be a function of majority rule, such as objective reality or minority rights.
• Take a drink for each case of treating something minor (who made a magazine cover, for instance) as Serious Business.
• Two if you were not previously aware of the rationale given for treating it as Serious Business.
• Three if no rationale is given for treating it as Serious Business.
• Take a drink for each mention of the Boogeyman Of The Day (terrorists, socialism, reefer madness, satanic daycare centers, etc.)
• Two if it's capitalized for no grammatically correct reason.
• Take a drink for each number containing more than three zeroes without a source.
• Two if the number is underwhelming when placed in context or when you learn what it actually means.
• Take a drink each time the lunatic assumes that all of their enemies are allied with one another, despite highly visible evidence to the contrary (Sharia and The Ghey) 
• Take a drink for each instance of obvious transphobia.
• Take a drink if the lunatic mentions astrology for no discernible reason whatsoever.
• Two if it involves a drastic oversimplification of what their star sign means.